Not legal advice

Obviously don’t drink and drive but let’s say that you did

If a cop pulls you over, if you’ve been drinking, especially a lot, it’s gonna smell, he will smell it the moment you roll down the window. Don’t use gum, don’t use cologne to hide the smell. The only thing that works are cigarettes. Keep a Marlboro in your center console.

If you smoke, you know what to do.

If you do, light that shit up and hotbox your car with the smell of Marlboro Man. Do not roll down your window until the cop gets out of his car and taps on the glass.

Then roll it down. The cop is gonna say "broken tail light, didn’t full stop at stop sign some, etc." The second he asks you if you’ve been drinking say no, say you don’t drink because you take an antidepressant medication but that doesn’t hinder your driving.

There is no warning on most antidepressants that say do operate machinery.

He will go back to his car, yadda yadda, lets say he still thinks you’ve been drinking - and realistically speaking it’s hard to hide it if you’ve have - he will ask you to take a field sobriety test.

Refuse it.

Say even if you pass it they’re gonna say you failed no matter what & want you to blow into their breathalyzer. Tell the officer if he really thinks if you’re under the influence that you’ll be more than willing to cooperate & go to the local hospital or jail and get tested there.

This is the ultimate bluff, whether he calls it or not. This will take a lot of the officer's time if in fact you aren’t under the influence and just a little out of it. Driving while tired, technically not against the law. 9 times out of 10 they won’t call the bluff.

Now this won’t work if you’re sloppy drunk. And if you’re sloppy drunk you shouldn’t be driving anyway, but let’s say you just had [REDACTED] and you’re lightly buzzed. That is no reason why you should get a DUI. Use this advice wisely ladies and jerks.